We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING

by Backxwash

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $10 USD  or more

     

1.
Hello, this is pastor Steve speaking. I am temporarily out of the office, but if you will leave your name and phone number at the sound of the tone, I will return your call when I get back…
2.
[INTRO: CHOIRS] [HOOK] I confess, I’m a mess, I'm a dog, I'm a pest, I need help, I'm possessed, I need sess I need sess I should gather all my demons, I feel blessed, for no reason, I feel blessed, lord forgive me, I feel blessed, lord forgive me I'm a mess, What is stress? What is peace, What is death, What is love, What is death? Nothing left Nothing left I should gather all my demons, I feel blessed for no reason, I feel blessed lord forgive me, I feel blessed lord forgive me [VERSE 1] Let it be known if there’s ever death in these poems, I’m settling the onus on with perfect performance, Settle the score like Lector & co And it’s like leather to Jaw with metal & saws Tragedy that is Hamlet, Anxiety choosing it’s part, The safdies with the adam, Grab our knees in the tandem, Aphrodisia springs, As I vanish clean into blackness, If Adam & Eve could imagine, A plan to leave when it happened As angel Gabriel holds me And keeps me close to the heavens, Think “This moment is perfect”, Seek the lord for repentance, Creeks are opening and closing I see the form of the temptress, Will Jehova respect this Or clip my rosary necklace? Peep my oxygen levels I’m tryna reach for the clouds, And I can’t breathe through my mouth, And I go limp to the ground, They said they found me choked while sound asleep on the couch, When the, the lord is close to the brokenhearted [HOOK] I confess, I’m a mess, I'm a dog, I'm a pest, I need help, I'm possessed, I need sess I need sess I should gather all my demons, I feel blessed, for no reason, I feel blessed, lord forgive me, I feel blessed, lord forgive me I'm a mess, What is stress? What is peace, What is death, What is love, What is death? Nothing left Nothing left I should gather all my demons, I feel blessed for no reason, I feel blessed lord forgive me, I feel blessed lord forgive me [VERSE 2] To be young and so innocent, You think love is so imminent, Ones that you’re close, In the end you suffer the most, The butter the toast, The tears from the hunger that grows, A punch in the throat, The second that you happened to cope. So when my ( ) touched me I didn't believe it, I still keep it a secret, Blinked as I heaved at the ceiling Last words to my granny, Didn't even mean it, I sit wishing she treated me How I need to be treated So maybe i’ll met her in heaven And speak of these feelings, Though my descent will be Hellish, Highway 6 in a chariot, The finest steed for the hellion, Hyperspeed as it bellows, Fuck the need for the help Cause it’s what I did to myself Put the bow on the casket, Decompose into blackness, Figaro, The trumpets and hymns below, The sycamores, All Begin to Grow in the winter snow, They shine and glisten gold, Osiris bring me home, Skin and bones [HOOK X2] I confess, I’m a mess, I'm a dog, I'm a pest, I need help, I'm possessed, I need sess, I need sess I should gather all my demons, I feel blessed, for no reason, I feel blessed, lord forgive me, I feel blessed, lord forgive me I'm a mess, What is stress, What is peace, What is death, What is love, What is death? Nothing left, Nothing left This is part of all my demons, I feel blessed for no reason, I feel blessed lord forgive me, I feel blessed lord forgive me [OUTRO: Morgan-Paige on vocals and piano]
3.
[HOOK: Pupil Slicer] The nothingness to which I aspire, Fed by parasites, they revel in every single second of the pain, Overwhelming, can't fix a problem that's rooted in the imperfection of my existence The nothingness to which I aspire, Fed by parasites, they revel in every single second of the pain, Overwhelming, can't fix a problem that's rooted in the imperfection of my existence [VERSE 1: Backxwash] I feel nervous when people are staring, The evil that carries Is lethal and varied, Glaring, It’s there in its deepest of currents I need a piece with a switch and a ‘matic, Even the faggots need lethal advantage (boom boom boom boom) I keep thinking bout Jesus of Nazareth If he was that active He’d spring into action Maybe just Caesar would have it And fear is protection without The seers telling me that my future is caught shot dead in the mouth Im paranoid when I step out the house These pills makin it hard to hide While my peers airing it out Delicate how? Now that you've mentioned it, wow I'm wound up and I doubt they they let me live now I don't need the embellishment I’m just fearing the predicate Of needing a weapon And I think that I get it then Cause if I can't live Then you can't live, Blood is thicker than everything [HOOKx2: Pupil Slicer] The nothingness to which I aspire, Fed by parasites, they revel in every single second of the pain, Overwhelming, can't fix a problem that's rooted in the imperfection of my existence [VERSE 2: Backxwash] Coca Cola kalashnikov Scope coming from Wichita Chrome colored A shot into bone fractures And shishkabob The dome splatter He’s calling he won't answer The phone hang up Hanging outside with old yella See where these hots headed Now he’s so hot headed Victim turned pot kettle Peace with a hot metal And it’s so sad that it’s sickening How I turned from victim to a villain So what's to stop me From grabbing a shotty Putting 10 in my body In the lobby While the denizen’s watching And I hope that it’s quicker Than the sedatives, probably With a note and a sticker To remember me properly See that’s where I be heading So why I keep pretendin’ There’s a happy ending When every second I get the message Let me spell it on the record Cause if I can’t live Then you can’t live Blood is thicker than everything [OUTRO HOOK: Pupil Slicer] The nothingness to which I aspire, Fed by parasites, they revel in every single second of the pain, Overwhelming, can't fix a problem that's rooted in the imperfection of my existence
4.
MUZUNGU 04:09
[HOOK] As I peel in my skin Dig in my vein I'm watching the demons within I'm watching this evil come out As I’m tryna come in, and As the rope on my chin Chokes all my kin I'm watching my niggas go limp I'm watching these moments forever I'll never forget, get [VERSE 1] God say hang those niggas No bandage needed On the back of jesus Where's Nebekenezer Ecclesiastes, Jesus, or Bethlem, Caesar With my head on the concrete, Sole of slavers Feel the taste of the underneath It's mob behavior If heaven needs 'em They'll praise and lead 'em Let's blame the eves then Snakes for treason The dead won't listen If lord forgives em He'll take a minute for selfish reasons If hell forgives him Have better chances Avenge the past then Let's take it back and just Pay 'em back for every happenin’ [HOOK] As I peel in my skin Dig in my vein I'm watching my demons within I'm watching this evil come out As I’m tryna come in, and As the rope on my chin Chokes all my kin I'm watching my niggas go limp I'm watching these moments forever I'll never forget, get [VERSE 2] In the land of the corpses of men How hot can you get Without forming a sweat The jolting brung By the molten of flesh Convulsing strung In the chorus of death, and How is that any different from my life before The fights, the wars The light, the source The right, the wrong The Pike, the sword Ibuprofen, lighter doses Held up, in the psychy wards A Black Woman With plights ignored The sight, behold It’s frightening The nights is porous I just thought if my life’s important I wouldn’t have to pay a fortune for life’s assurance, and [HOOK] As I peel in my skin I need to win So, tearing a piece from my limb I'm thinking bout all of the shit that I need to forgive Fuck, fuck
5.
[VERSE 1: CENSORED DIALOGUE] My momma said she’d kill me If I call CPS Then turn around and be confused Why I ain’t bring home no guests Now why the fuck you treating me Like a vermin or pest Strike me down with a vengeance Leave me off of the crest Daddy used to say That they should’ve gotten rid of me My whole life’s a cycle Of them building and depleting me Everything is sacred except me I’m a commodity I am the embodiment Of all the world’s obscenities I set fire to the mantle Cuz it did me no good I flew the fuck up off the handle Like all good women should Can’t hold a candle to the past Because the name don’t exist Now our connections are in shambles Interaction so brisk I wish we could talk through all the bad But I know you’re sick All redeeming qualities you had Could never save this shit I know your head is hard as bricks So I must impart with this The apple ain’t fall far But at least I tried to roll a bit [VERSE 2: SADISTIK] Homie said God is my enemy To show me he offered me ketamine Rotten skin’s crawling with centipedes How many shots til a cop is a memory? Serpents all turned to Perseus Leave you no altar to worship with Sharks always circle him Rottweiler bark like he Cerberus All of my walls Black Paintings, all of my gods can’t save me All of my opps can’t face me, all of their talks got gangrene Hollow eyes watch all waiting Homicides not off table On a high got that scapegoat Water my Columbines onto my halo Watch how I change tones He’s got his Father’s eyes, it's prophesied I’ll pop a pill and watch the skies Sometimes I feel I’m not alive I wanna kill what's not aligned its all I find inside Idle eyes got revitalized, pick up bad habits drop the vital signs Look outside it's spiral lines, LA smog ripe with cyanide Yea, I know how to spot em Gimme that baggie I know that you got em Lord of Gomorrah, Pope of the Sodom Why would I off you there’s no one to watch ? Write it in car fuel that’s glow in the dark Light it and watch your soul go with the spark I am an obstacle no one can cross Yea, show em to god [VERSE 3: BACKXWASH] How to explain every shame With all that I felt when I dealt with Cain How did the rain bring so much pain When they coulda melted it the same How did the angels fall from my grace And mix with the devils Leave with their halo Sinister rebels, demons and melkor, Tip of the scales, wickedest sulfur Picture of hell Picture of heaven You think of twelve Think of the seven I gave em help Just need them to pray in Fix all their faces See the arrangements (FUCK) I gotta keep all the planets from shifting the spaces Vindictive complaining when all decisions are flagrant, Then they need me to engage with Hold up, I did a lot for these bitches I lived a rock for these bitches I gave em pac I’ve been the hope to these bitches I brought the prophet to bitches They’ll pay respects in the fire and brim, Elijah and kin the violent things Jesus will need to annihilate me The Jesuits will sing from the highest of peaks Beezlebub brought to his knees Asmodeus, gon leap from the tallest of trees Satan won't feel so forsaken Now that the lord has awoken and brought all his grace in I did it all cause I love em, This is the compassion If you don’t like it, then fuck em The Alpha Omega, lord of the justice One that’s above it (TRUST)
6.
MULUNGU 02:03
[INTRO] I put my body on display for the world to watch I’ll twirl a lot to the point that I hurl a bunch Coughing blood Pain is attention Dead and redemption And like Saint Maud, I get cold Beg for the pension And if heaven is real I regret what I feel The devil is real But nah, he won’t save me for real And will my enemies feel My repentance and guilt? Or will they Tell me what’s real and maybe end it for real? And it’s the fear in the eyes of Yahweh It’s the fear from the skies It’s the fear every time that I’ll die And every moment of sickness I just call for forgiveness Wondering if the thundering Won’t stop as it comes for me [CHOIRS] We stand in need of a miracle We stand in need of a miracle We stand in need of a miracle We stand in need of a miracle [OUTRO - Glitch speech] Well when in your day of judgment, they suffer and torment day and night. I don’t think any one of you want to suffer day and night waiting for the day of judgment, and would rather go directly to heaven and meet the lord and savior face to face.
7.
[VERSE 1: GHAIS GUEVARA] East side movin up But niggas wasn’t elated i know that niggas corrupt because i’m the nigga that paid them i know that the game is rigged because i’m the nigga who rigged it yall fuckin with coons and birds, niggas is Mordecai and Rigby I aint get this from no vision This a story once repeated How niggas control ya space Til you deleted Bought the chain before the gun Arrogance on display They was tryna flash We muzzle the flash Prayin that we aint gotta spray Cant blame a nigga for being a vulture That’s just the memo But i aint see it in his eyes Way back when we was shoppin demos Had i known to keep my enemies closer Maybe he’d keep his composure Never give a monkey ass nigga the toaster Cause now he blowin his ego Strikin innocents cause the recoil Cause he wanna be the man To have his bitch spoiled He wanna be the man to feed the Hood well Yellow tape where the hood dwells Unproper farewells Last words was probably some Dumb shit [CHORUS: GHAIS GUEVARA] What if you can't, do what you said What if you not, all that you thought What if you slip, what if you fall What if you just, can't save em all What of the guilt, what of the hate What of the memories and mistakes Niggas aint built, stay in ya lane Niggas aint built, stay in ya lane What if you can't, do what you said What if you not, all that you thought What if you slip, what if you fall What if you just, can't save em all What of the guilt, what of the hate What of the memories and mistakes Niggas aint built, stay in ya lane Niggas aint built, stay in ya lane [VERSE 2: BACKXWASH] Left a homie with me It was getting sticky I needed to get out the closet I was feeling straight out my options, Had to dip it break out the problems You were lonely thinking I’ll be home in 50, Have a bone to pick, well I owe you plenty It’s some shit that you don’t understand Some shit that don’t feel like a man Burnt the true religions at my crucifictions I am luci-her not lucifer Don’t judge me for staying true If I saw me I would hate me too In the blackface no joni mitchell With my fat face in the holy temple Is this drag race, or a bad phase Or a stan page with a bad taste Been in magazines with half a dream that I should have kept tucked I do that rapping thing that we planned to be and it should have been us Aren’t you proud of me, where the happy things, dawg superman up I can get packed meat or vaseline or Applebee’s or a tapestry Between you and I I survived my own suicide This is who I am, look alive I'm holding out that you’ll do in time If you don’t love me for being me I won't judge you for being you Don’t judge me for being me I won’t judge me for being you [CHORUS 2: BACKXWASH] What If I did, what If I don't What if it is, what if it’s not What if it came, what if it didn’t What if it did, maybe I won’t Maybe I can’t, maybe I can Maybe I’m not, maybe I am Maybe I shoulda said something, Maybe I shouldn’t say nothing What If I did, what If I don't What if it is, what if it’s not What if it came, what if it didn’t What if it did, maybe I won’t Maybe I can’t, maybe I can Maybe I’m not, maybe I am What if I shoulda said something, What if I shouldn’t say nothing [OUTRO CHORUS: GHAIS GUEVARA] What if you can't, do what you said What if you not, all that you thought What if you slip, what if you fall What if you just, can't save em all What of the guilt, what of the hate What of the memories and mistakes Niggas aint built, stay in ya lane Niggas aint built, stay in ya lane What if you can't, do what you said What if you not, all that you thought What if you slip, what if you fall What if you just, can't save em all What of the guilt, what of the hate What of the memories and mistakes Niggas aint built, stay in ya lane Niggas aint built, stay in ya lane
8.
[VERSE 1] Trouble at the door, Crouching to the floor, Feeling paranoid Shadows seeping through the floors, Think I’m losing every moment Downing down a pour, Downing down some more, Seeing shit not there Cops are at the door, Lock it then explore, Think of other options Tell my mama I won't make it home Hell or water seek the safest road Heart is bleeding off the metronome (doo doo doo doo doo) Beelzebub please take me home I’ve been using so I'm losing all my motherfucking bearings Snipped a couple of earrings, from the heiress Fuck dealing with the people stairing, I’m about to nab a steering Grab the tree, inhale then, till death then [CHORUS] Battling my Soul, Have a screaming pulse Blood up to my nose, Rush is getting cold but nobody knows Gotta numb it all, Heart is pounding more, Blood up to my toes, Out into the cold, Where nobody knows I just need to live, I just need to breathe, Bout to hit the road, Out into the cold, In the freezing snow I don’t think I know, If I’ll make it home, How the story goes, Out into the cold, Where nobody knows [VERSE 2] I just snapped When we came back And he tried to hit me Now I’m up And he’s laid flat Praying God forgives me Maybe stick him a closet In the middle of it With the wigs and the long dress (Yes) Do I need to burn him? Should I be concerned, Do I need a word? Got a show coming, Gotta go hunny, Keep the hose running I’ll be back noon, We can chat soon, How’s the drag, boo? Behind the vacuum, This is bad news, And he can't move I’ll just keep him here, I won’t live in fear, Gotta be prepared I don’t need to bear All the guilt in here, Got my people scared I’ll just clean my hair, I’ll just be right here, I’ll just—(gasp gasp) I don’t feel regret, Got what he deserves, Got some fucking nerve Trouble at the door, Crouching on the floor, Bout to run a show Got a big applause, But nobody knows, How this story goes But I’m safe now, I feel great now, This is great, wow Run the tape now, Light my face up (Break a leg) [CHORUS] Battling my soul, Have a screaming pulse, Blood up to my nose, Rush is getting cold, But nobody knows Gotta numb it all, Heart is pounding more, Blood up to my toes, Out into the cold, Where nobody knows I just need to live, I just need to breathe, Bout to hit the road, Out into the cold, In the freezing snow I don’t think I know, If I’ll make it home, How the story goes, Out into the cold, Where nobody knows (I been on my own) Battling my Soul, Have a screaming pulse blood up to my nose Rush is getting cold But nobody knows (Have a drink tomorrow) Gotta numb it all, Heart is pounding more, Blood up to my toes, Out into the cold, Where nobody knows (I don’t think it’s wrong) I just need to live, I just need to breathe, Bout to hit the road, Out into the cold, In the freezing snow (Trouble at the door) I don’t think I know, If I’ll make it home, How the story goes, Out into the cold, Where nobody knows (I been on my own)
9.
KUMOTO 03:52
[VERSE 1] Sometimes I stare inside the mirror, I don't recognize me I drink so much Even my liver doesn't empathize, see My granny told me “It's the nigga in these set of eyes, see” She tryna say I'm socialized Through the men that lie Was trying to be a rolling stone at like 21 These drugs was all up in my nose I looked 31 These crackers hooked me in their fold with a steady lump So what’s the folly does this molly got a ready sum In the kitchen, Geeking out I was twitching Teething out of my wisdoms, Peeking out for a witness Even now I envision, PTSD, it’s crazy Hitting like it’s the 80s, Feigning death is a strange thing Young, impressionable, Starving, any methadone? Cartilage lexepro, Carving up any sense I’m on Hardly got left to go, swarmy from neck and bones Parked in the arm, Reach any home in an episode [CHORUS] I see the people talking I see the reasons often I think they think I lost it They think I need a prophet My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil I say it’s not the demons, They say you stopped believing I swear it’s not from jesus I swear this heart is beating My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil [VERSE 2] Back in the day, This before highschool was cool Was tryna walk around, Looking for right dudes to swoon I was lonely and I was doing what I think was cool My hijinks ensued, A right bitch at school I met a new girl, Matter fact her name was bleep that And we were tight, I even grabbed the chair to sit back I told her that I be there for her, And I really mean that When she was sick, I went over with the Dreamcast But I wanted to be so accepted From the bro’s perspective, I made fun of her slowly death No weeks left she felt betrayed I'm like, oh forget it Till she didn’t come for weeks And I felt cold, neglected Fast forward to her funeral in an open casket I looked her mama in the face as I'm moping sadly I see the body, look away in a slowly panic That was the last thing I said I hope I choke on that shit (Damn) [CHORUS] I see the people talking I see the reasons often I think they think I lost it They think I need a prophet My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil I say it’s not the demons, They say you stopped believing I swear it’s not from jesus I swear this heart is beating My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds, my evil (deeds) My evil deeds— It’s my evil fucking deeds, man It’s my evil fucking deeds It’s my evil fucking deeds, man It’s my evil fucking deeds It’s my evil fucking deeds It’s my evil fucking deeds It’s my evil fucking deeds It’s my evil fucking deeds
10.
MUKAZI 03:21
[VERSE 1] I wanna tell you that you made it alive I wanna tell you no more places to hide I wanna tell you that even though it was hard You really know who you are, no need to don a facade Some people think you a star, they listening to your bars The vision’s plastered on walls, the pictionary involved The dictionary that you studied, then ripped apart, in a scrawl The jeans felt so muddy but still sagged to the draws The fears of your buddy with beef-battling woes The periods where the static was real after it all The tears weren't happy but still rapping with all Your peers got so active but didn’t happen at all I was young and depressed with hunger no less The fun that I get was rapping with abundance in check Just me and Izu styling with the punch of the best Til my Dad got upset and a bunch of yall left In the cypher rapping, that is where I found my passion Almost like time stood still when the rhymes are blasted Started doing way less, when the time was passing Then did so much shit that I might need rhinoplasty It’s a shame that the spark that I had was gone Where’s the light in the darkness I had I spent money on helium, not to get me high though I had suicidal thoughts really suicidal I mean less these days, It’s like my life means something, Less stressed these days Tell uncle Abel I miss him, Tell dad he’s forgiven I’ll never talk to him but with all the sadness and wisdom Tell my homies I love them, even though I don’t trust em Tell _____ fuck him, I hope you upped and you punched him Thank my brother for saving me, almost left in a hazy dream I punched my chest like I’ll be here if he needs me And to Chachi my love, I thank you for everything that you’ve done I keep falling in love, and And to the hood that raised me This my goodbye, shoutout AV! [OUTRO] Every little thing in my heart (everything little thing) Every little thing in my heart is for you now (is for you now) Every little thing in my heart (everything little thing) Every little thing in my heart is for you now (is for you now) Every little thing in my heart (everything little thing) Every little thing in my heart is for you now (is for you now) Every little thing in my heart (everything little thing) Every little thing in my heart is for you now (is for you now)

about

HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING will conclude a trilogy of albums by Backxwash which began 3 years ago. The series is primarily auto-biographical, with fragments of stories from her periphery. With every record, Backxwash travels farther back in time, reliving and experiencing the anger and despair that she had not granted herself at that time.

God Has Nothing To Do With This Leave Him Out Of It (2020) began as a candid processing of her experiences in her adult life in realtime, while her sequential record I LIE HERE BURIED WITH MY RINGS AND MY DRESSES (2021) was a reflection on her adolescent and early adulthood years. Whereas God Has Nothing was a study in mercy, in I LIE HERE BURIED Backxwash finds solace in being consumed by her malevolent behaviours.

HIS HAPPINESS SHALL COME FIRST EVEN THOUGH WE ARE SUFFERING (2022) delves into environmental influences during her youth and times pre-dating her existence, concluding this therapeutic practice with a return to the here and now with a stronger sense of self than when she began this therapeutic and cathartic trilogy.

credits

released October 31, 2022

Total length: 38:18 (10 tracks)

Produced by Backxwash
Mixed by Will Owen Bennett
Mastered By Richard Addison / Trillium Sound Mastering
Backxwash vocals Recorded in Montreal by Chachi Revah (1-8,10) and Will Owen Bennett (9)

KUTALI: features Vaelastrasz on organs
VIBANDA: features Morgan-Paige on guest vocals and piano [outro]
and Michael Go on guitar
NYAMA: features Katie from Pupil Slicer on guest vocals [hook] and on guitars
ZIGOLO: features guest vocals from Censored Dialogue [verse 1], and featuring guest vocals from Sadistik [verse 2]
JUJU: features guest vocals from Ghais Guevara [verse 1, chorus 2] & Michael Go on guitars
NFWITI: features Michael Go on guitars

Cover Art and MGMT by Chachi Revah / Méchant Vaporwave

Release: October 31st, 2022 to Bandcamp, 2-3 weeks later to all DSPs
Ugly Hag/Self-Released

license

all rights reserved

tags

If you like Backxwash, you may also like: